Actually I could have written 5 separate reasons for each topic. Why it sucks to be single. Why it sucks to be 35. But for the purposes of this post lets keep them locked in together.
I unusually really like being single. Which is lucky for me because on and off for I guess a few years all up, I have been single for most of my 35 years on this planet.
Being single can be tough. I think it gets tougher the older you get. It certainly becomes more rare the older you get. It can be great being on your own, but it can also suck. Here are the top 5 reasons why it sucks to be both 35 and single in this day and age:
1. Everyone thinks you’re a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but being: single, 35, having short hair and dressing in boyfriend jeans and a t-shirt at every chance… people talk. That’s all i’m sayin’. Actually sometimes I can use this to my advantage. Like when a sleazy guy at work comes up to you at the Christmas party….”Haven’t you heard the rumours? I’m a lesbian. Sorry mate you’ve got no chance” although can sometimes backfire when said sleaze asks if he can watch. Gross.
2. Travel. The scourge of every single person who likes to travel and see the world come in the form of just 4 little words: Per Person Twin Share.
You see an awesome holiday deal. Fiji 5 nights $850 including airfares*. And usually the * is pointing you in the direction of some writing in size 2 font that says “per person twin share” this normally means that as a single person the trip will cost you double the advertised amount. Because you can’t “twin share” with anyone. So suck on that. If you’re single you obviously don’t deserve the same savings as a smug couple do.
Not that long ago, I was invited on a 5 night cruise with a married group of friends (to clarify they are not all married to each other, they are a group of married couples). I have said no, actually I said “no f*cking way” for a number of reasons. “But it’s such great value” my friend said. My reaction: “double it and tell me if it’s still a great deal”.
Nobody who is 35 and single (and sane) wants to sleep on a trundle on the floor of other people’s rooms.
3. Restaurant etiquette. That awkward moment when you order a bottle of wine and they ask if someone will be “joining you” and you say “no, I just like, need wine”. Awks.
Or my other favourite, when in a crowded restaurant or cafe and someone comes up and asks if they can take the chair that’s sitting opposite you. Leaving you with nothing, but a room full of people who now all know that there is absolutely no hope for someone to sit with you. Especially when you are sitting on your own with an iced coffee (optioned with cream AND ice cream) and a piece of chocolate cake. Yes, also with cream AND ice cream. That chair was the only hope you had at keeping things together.
4. Ok this one’s gross. Back Pimples. Right now I have a lump on my back that is quite painful. Most likely it is a pimple. But it quite equally could turn out to be either a septic infection, a malignant melanoma or a cyst forming around a foreign body growing out of my spine. But how would i know? Because I CAN’T SEE BEHIND ME.
Also it helps having someone around to bounce medical problems and questions around with. Like the time I thought I had a skin cancer on my leg and it turns out that a sharpie just leaked in my pants pocket.
5. Paying a Sydney sized mortgage. On your own. ‘Nuff said.
“Natural Ash Blonde Streaks”
