I use the term “need” very loosely. I’ve never really felt bad about not having a husband/boyfriend/significant other in my life, I don’t feel as though I’ve missed out by not being married. However, that all changed for a small 10-minute window the other evening as a GIANT HAIRY RAMBO HUNTSMAN decided to make my bedroom his own.
I saw Rambo Huntsman downstairs in my living room about a week ago. We were peacefully cohabiting the space together, as long as he stayed on his side and I stayed on mine. We could keep eyeballing each other, from a safe distance. Later, lying in bed, I realised I was being watched. He had decided that my bedroom was now his space and I was having none of it. I grabbed a spatula from the kitchen, an empty bowl and some cardboard and tried to move him back outside where he belongs. Even though he ran UP MY ARM, I still tried to preserve his life. Gently placed him outside and closed the door.
Next minute he has squeezed himself in through the gap between the two sliding glass doors and races. Races. Warp speed, to go back upstairs. I had no choice. This dude had zero respect for my boundaries and we could not live in peace with each other any longer. With the insect spray in hand, I sprayed him until he turned white. This just egged him on even further. He didn’t even slow down on his continuing mission to get into my bedroom. I had to hit him with the thong (for USA readers and others: thong = flip flop). It was my only option. I feel bad but I can’t help his stubbornness and bad decision-making skills.
If I had a husband I would assume that he would have just taken care of it. Big assumption. But I do assume that must be what it’s like to be married, nonetheless. The husband deals with the insects. And garbage. And pipework sewerage stuff. I know old fashioned blah blah patriarchy blah, independent woman blah. But, the way I see it the husband would do everything I don’t want to. Can you tell I’ve never been married?
So, that’s what I’ve been up to lately. As well as pondering whether the spider is not he but is actually a she? Does she have a family she was trying to provide for? Has she laid eggs in my bed/ear while I sleep? Do I need to burn just my house down or the entire neighbourhood?
