You are at the airport. It’s 6:30 am. You woke up at 4:30 am. You haven’t even had a coffee. You have just arrived at the terminal. You are walking towards the security screening. Having long legs you are able to walk fairly fast. The late 40’s/early 50’s man behind you sees you walking ahead of him. How dare you. He speeds up to pass you. As he passes that he is no longer walking but has developed a sort of trot or jog to be able to get past you. His wheely bag is swaying side to side, one wheel off the ground. Success. He reaches the screening point just ahead of you. Later, you note that you are on the same flight.
What you have just witnessed is the behaviour of a typical middle-aged man-baby.
Pointless exercises that middle-aged men participate in to make them feel superior to everyone else around them.
Did that man arrive at his destination (Melbourne) any faster because he beat me to security? No. Did he miss out on his favourite seat on the plane? No. Did he miss out on the in-flight snacks? No. What he did by beating me to security was to make himself feel more superior to me, and thus trying to make me feel inferior to him.
On the way to the airport, along with the taxi’s that cut into the airport turning lane illegally at the last possible second, was a Pajero. Who also had to beat me into the line, and get to the carpark first. Guess who was driving it? That’s right. Man Baby. Middle Aged.
Middle-aged man babies are more often than not always lining up first to get onto the plane. When the gate is officially ‘open’ they clamber over everything and everyone to reach the line first. Lording it over everyone that being there first means that they are the most important.
Dudes – it’s allocated seating you’re not going to miss out.
They are nearly always aisle sitters. Who huff and puff and get annoyed when you arrive to claim your rightful window or middle seat.
They know the rules around luggage. Their wheely bags are the exact dimension to the mm as outlined by the airline and they pack to the nearest gram. 6.99kg exactly.
The overhead lockers are filled with typical man baby wheely bag with a suit jacket or similar carefully folded on top of or next to the wheely bag. Don’t even think about rearranging or they will spring up out of their seat to tell you that YOU need to move. As a side note, I like to slide my bag in gently enough that they don’t realise I’ve just got their suit jacket caught up in the filthy wheels of my bag. Then flash them a smile saying “Good Morning”.
When the food/drinks carts come by they order first. After all, they are superior and need to eat before you. There’s no such thing as ladies first at 30,000ft. They often frequent the toilet as soon after takeoff as possible. For some man-babies have prostate problems and can’t hold it for an hour.
If the middle seat is free they will claim it as their own, after all, their laptop bag having some space is far more important than your comfort.
If you are right next to one, they will manspread both their arms (taking over the entire shared armrest) and legs (often their knees are completely in the space ahead of you). The reason they do this is that they want you to think that they’ve got a huge amount of junk that needs airing out. You guessed it. Middle-aged man baby junk is more important than your comfort.
As soon as the plane lands their phone is back on before you’ve even left the runway. They jump up and out of their seats as soon as the fasten seat belt sign is turned off. They may be crouched over and crammed in but once you wait 5 minutes for the doors to open and then for 35 people to disembark ahead of you, congratulations Man Baby you got to your destination 1.3 seconds before the person in front of you.
Even hotels only cater to MAMBs – just turn on the tv. Fox Sports 1, Fox Sports 2, Fox Sports 3, Sky Racing 1, Sky Racing 2, Sky Racing 3.
Not all men blah blah blah I get it.
Please don’t get me started on MAMBIL (Middle-Aged Man Babies in Lycra), otherwise known as MAMILs (Middle Aged Men in Lycra). Man Babies who buy a bike worth the same amount as a car, and parade around showing off their sagging junk in skin-tight bike shorts.
Have you had any experiences with Middle-Aged Man Babies?
