This is a tale from long long ago, back when gangs of youths tormented Western Sydney (more than they do today) and “Cops killed Tsakos” was the graffiti sprayed on the side of the chemist on Hawkesbury Rd. Parramatta Park still had the train that hadn’t been burnt out and Westmead Hospital was still all shiny and new.
Criminal
That’s right, it was the 80s. 1986 to be exact. I was 6. They were tough times. People drove home drunk. I was allowed to drive my parent’s car down the driveway, meat was thawed out in the sun all day. Kids roamed the streets until the street lights came on. Kids got bashed with wooden spoons.
As we know (now), I have grown up to become a world-renowned scientist, owning a quite inquisitive mind (read: overthinking). This crime takes place when I was 6, and in year 1. No longer in kindy and full of confidence I wanted to understand why I was skinny while my friend *Katie was…..not. My scientific hypothesis was that she did not have a body full of blood like mine, but perhaps she was filled with yellow…..fat. You can see where this is going…..
So, sitting next to her literally right in front of the teacher, I took out a standard-issue 2B lead pencil and sharpened it up to the pointiest of points and promptly stabbed it into her chunky thigh as hard as my little arms could. Unfortunately, I didn’t pierce her substantial hide but *Katie screamed so loud that I thought I may have killed her. She was sent to the sickbay while I was sent directly to Miss Baxter’s office (she was the very stern Diana Ferrari loafer-wearing middle-aged junior school Vice-Principal). With what could only be described as fury in her eyes asked me, “What on earth was I thinking?” When I told her about my experiment she just laughed and laughed and laughed, eventually saying she would have to put me on numerous detentions and call my parents. My life of crime came to a very swift end. *Katie and I were no longer friends.
That’s it from me for now. Please let me know if you’ve ever broken bad, if you’ve ever stabbed someone or if you ever conducted your own scientific experiments ending in detention. In the next post, I ponder whether this early violent episode has led me to a life of watching gratuitously violent tv.
*Katie recovered quite well, no scarring (physically).
*Katie’s name has been changed to protect the innocent.
My last exam for this semester is happening tomorrow night. I am meant to be studying. I used to actually enjoy the process of studying and cramming it all in. Blocking everything out from the outside world and concentrating on my thing. Not on me. Not in my head.
This time it’s a little different. Now there’s work, paying bills, internet, online study group chats, Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, cooking dinner, even the delivery guy is against me. You name it, it is capable of distraction. Blogging. It’ no longer me vs the exam. It’s my ability to concentrate vs the outside world.
This semester has been a long and tough one. Not going to lie. Everything online means it’s difficult to ask a question. Library closed mean that the books allocated to the subject are not available. Mid semester break was moved early to allow the lecturers time to move all the content to online. Meaning that since that break every assignment, every mid semester exam, practical task, quiz and tutorial has all happened back to back. Something like 10 weeks in a row.
I log off my work computer at around 5 and turn on my home computer until 11 ish each night. I am exhausted. I love it. I chose it. I get it. But I am tired and oh so very very ready for the mid year break, where I can dive freshly into 2 new subjects.
All I want for my break is to read, walk, write and sleep. In whatever order that comes.
My head hasn’t been helping me. Over the long weekend I sunk to a bit of a low. If by low you mean crying 7-8 times a day. Wake up – cry. Tea bag falls in the cup – cry. Milk out of date – cry. See a baby seal in Antarctica on Facebook – cry. Have a shower – cry. Realise there is a stain on my clothes – cry. You get the picture.
On a scale of 10 being happy to 1 depressed. I was low. I started brushing my teeth, went to clean the toothbrush and realised there was a black thing in it. That black thing was a baby cockroach. Cry.
I am still using the toothbrush.
It’s been hard to study, but I am proud of myself for sticking with it and carrying on.
Please don’t worry I am feeling a whole lot better. I am still meant to be studying.
Oh how I’ve miss this. My writing, my little corner of cyberspace that helps me to quieten the noise.
I have been writing, though mostly emails and assignments. I forgot how much time it takes to be a student. But I am loving the learning, the lectures, tutorials, practicals even the assignments, but after many many hours at the screen, I don’t have the energy to bash out a blog post.
I don’t want to just ‘bash’ out some content to keep the blog ticking over, this space will never be filled with what is not authentic. It will always be my voice, my content, what is circling my head. I have tried over the years to add in bits and pieces that I thought I should write, as a good blogger, a range of pieces to spark the interest of different audiences. But really I write this for me and if you enjoy it too, then that just makes me love you even more. Apart from the odd “I could live here” which will nearly always be a cabin or modern home in the middle of a forest because that is exactly where I want to live.
I actually have written a fair bit lately, just in my head when I have been out hiking. Now that the restrictions are starting to ease, the first thing (when my exams are over) I want to do is go out on an overnight hike. Just pack up my backpack and go. Doesn’t even have to be that far. Maybe the Blue Mountains. Like I haven’t spent enough time alone. I will just stay alone, not in my house, somewhere else.
I like being alone. It has never ever bothered me. Especially when I felt out of control or anxious or sad, I like connection but I don’t want to know how out of control I am. Confused? Try being inside my head.
I only like my people. As they say on Runway “You are either in or you are out” most people I meet can probably just assume they are on the out. You’ll know if you are in. If you are reading this then you are absolutely ‘in’.
On September 12 last year, I took a mental health day work (and you know I was honest with work about it all and they were great about it) and I went for a long hike alone, with nothing but me, myself and my hateful thoughts about myself, in the rain, after 15km and 10 minutes beating a very expensive hiking pole against a rock while yelling at myself “why do I fucking suck at life so badly” until the rock won, I felt better. A lot better. Back to normal better.
I don’t want to go back to ‘normal’, if that means shopping and spending and 50 hour weeks, and sitting in traffic and flying to another city for a ‘meeting’, queues and lines, checking out, checking in, the rat race, glorifying busy…..
Personally I have LOVED the slower pace, the genuine connection, the efficiency, the focus and the benefits to my own mental health. Can we keep it like this?
If you’re not offended by a ‘fags’ mug then you are one of my people.
I had a completely different post written and ready to go, but I’m not ready to share it yet. It’s very personal and brings up a lot of things in my soul that make it hard to press the little ‘publish now button’.
Personally, I am loving the relaxation that working from home brings, the peace and quiet. It’s nice not to have to sit in peak hour traffic, to take a breather. I went for a walk on the weekend and the air was so clear. Nature is bouncing back. We don’t need to stop everyone driving for very long for equilibrium to start again. It’s amazing.
I am worried about the environment, the Government is spending Billion$ on COVID-19 and it’s social impact, which means for the next generation we will be paying this money off, in turn there will be less money for environmental. From the summer bushfires alone, it will take many generations for wildlife populations to recover, if they recover at all.
While we have all been focussed on COVID-19 and death tolls and cruise ships, there is other news going on. What has happened while the world wasn’t looking?
Antarctica had its highest temperature on record at 20.7ºC. More.
The Great Barrier Reef had another coral bleaching event. Thanks to the highest monthly sea-surface temperatures recorded. Severe bleaching has now affected all 3 major regions of the reef. More.
The NSW Government approved coal mining directly underneath the Woronora reservoir – one of Sydney’s drinking water reservoirs. More.
In NSW, prime Koala inhabited forest is being destroyed. Whilst much of the koala’s habitat was destroyed in the NSW bushfires, some of what wasn’t destroyed is now being logged. More.
What about those bushfires? Well, the “Independent Royal Commission” *cough *cough has been instructed to focus reactively on solutions to mitigate the future effects of climate change not proactively on how to slow, stop or reverse climate change. More.
Traditional landowners have been banned from the Adani Carmichael site. More.
Tasmania has been clear-felling old-growth forests. More.
In the USA, Trump has reduced targets for lowering vehicle emissions from 5% per year to only 1.5%. This will add 1.5 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere, the equivalent of 17 additional coal-fired power plants. More info.
Australian governments listened to medical experts on COVID-19. My hope is that now they will listen to climate scientists and experts in the same way.
