What’s the best way to break up with you?

Firstly, I break up with you. 

Ok, jokes.

Secondly, I appreciate it when someone actually takes the time to actually end things, rather than just disappearing until I telepathically realise you’re finished with me and that I should just go away. 

Apart from that, my overall preferred method for being the breaker or breakee is the text message. I don’t want to see you. I especially don’t want to see you if the sole purpose of you doing the dumping in person is for you to see how upset I am.  Therefore boosting your ego and making me feel even worse. That is assuming that I am upset. 

The text message is something I can experience alone. Which is ironically has now re-become my present and my future. Alone. Singleness. I can react to it however I damned well like. Which coincidentally is the  same way I will live my life without you. Exactly as I damned well like. 

Maybe stretch it to a phone call or in person if we’re engaged or married.

Make sure you leave me alone afterwards, don’t keep texting to see how I am, don’t keep popping up on my friend’s social media. Don’t send me any dick pics.  Just go. Disappear. You are dead to me now. Don’t DM me in a couple of months to say you miss me. Don’t tell me you think of me often. You made your decision. I don’t care how you’re dealing with it. 

To say I wish nothing but the best for you, would be a complete lie. I usually hope that you get some horribly painful flesh eating bacteria in your self sacred nether regions and that it falls off via a very painful torturous drawn out process. Or that a future girlfriend decides to severe it off with the side of a spork.